Hi, it’s me again.
I’ve fallen a bit, again after rising – pretty damn high this time. And the fall hurts even just a bit more because of it. There is a part of me feeling this blog is pointless if no one is reading it and I therefore ask that those of you who do find this blog important, giving or entertaining in any way let me know. I think I could use it. And when you do, do you mind writing me an email instead of a comment? I get so much spam I no longer no what’s serious or not.
My email is: ablog@live.com
Thank you.
I really appreciate it.
A
Hey..
I’ve started a new project. A project I have named:
The One Year Project – the long, but perhaps only way to selfrespect, selfesteem and selfvalue.
I’ve found that in the midst of everything – in the midst of my Borderline I have become overwhelmed with exhaustion. I may be closer to the “end” today, than a year ago; closer to recovery – but I find myself in the middle of an ocean with no land in sight, I don’t see where I have come from or in what direction I need to continue. My primitive reaction is to let go; to allow myself to drown. No more exhaustion, no more pain, no more useless attempts and lost hope.
But I have no wish to die. Only a wish to not be in pain anymore. And if there is a small hope of recovery in the horizon – then I must keep on swimming.
My One Year Project is inspired by my husband. A way to line up my issues, one by one and tackle them one by one. Each month I have one GOAL, and within each month I have four weeks with certain ASSIGNMENTS to accomplish.
For instance, this coming month May – my GOAL is to feel comfortable with my body. And in order for this to happen I have a few ASSIGNMENTS to in turn get closer to that final GOAL. My first ASSIGNMENT this month is to walk around spark naked, at home – of course – so I can get used to my body and push myself to doing something I would usually feel discomfort in. The second ASSIGNMENT is practicing good posture. Good posture is essential in order to achieve a feeling of selfesteem. Other ASSIGNMENTS this month are; practicing yoga, initiating sex more often, don’t read fashion blogs, walk in high heels etc. etc.
In June I begin a new GOAL, which is feeling secure being ME (in social gatherings or alone). But this goal I can get back to when it gets closer. Today, and for a month ahead of me my focus is on accepting my body for what it is.
Wish me luck.
A
This post is for reflecting. Reflecting on the past, of what has been done, could have been done and what should’ve never been done. I just don’t know where to begin. I suppose I could start with yesterday.
Yesterday. A morning, day and night of worry, despair, fear and hate. All about myself not measuring up. My latest edition to this lifestyle has been my exterior. My boobs are too small, my face is too pale, I am too tall, my nose is too big, my hair is too frizzy – I am not skinny enough, I am not sexy enough, I am not fit enough, I am not feminine enough, I am not beautiful enough – I have pimples, I have cellulite, I have curves where there should be no curves…(and the list goes on) I don’t leave the house at times in fear someone else will see what I see, I spend hours a day staring at my reflection, crying as I do so. Every look from another becomes a judgement of my ugliness, every conversation is lost because I am too busy thinking about my posture, or how ugly I am in comparison to the one I am speaking to. I consider ending my life because I know my looks will only get worse for every day that passes.
Yester-month. A few months ago my focus had just begun noticing these flaws. Slowly losing interest in other things and instead investing time and effort to dislike what I saw in the mirror. It started small, and with the “usual” issues: my boobs, my weight, a pimple or two. I think it was in comparison to others it started. “Others” many times meaning models, but also a random girl on the street, or a friend. I began seeing how great everyone else looked, and started questioning if I too looked great. And the answer started becoming a no. It hurt but I could still live, I could still go out, spend time with friends, and I could still love. The mirror was dreaded, but still bearable.
Yester-year. A year, or so ago I was just as insecure as I am today. But the focus on my body was just about as normal as anyone’s. Instead, my focus was on something within me. My intellect; I feared I wasn’t smart enough. My likeability; I feared I wasn’t cool/fun/special enough. My coordination; I thought maybe I am not graceful enough. All my skills, really. That was what bothered me the most at that time. As had it most of my adolescent years.
And the conclusion for the future. Truly, somewhere in my head I know that my interpreting is very harsh and my self-made standards are impossible to lead. But there is a more powerful, bullying part of me which will not believe this. This part of me will scrutinize every little detail, every little wrinkle and bump until it finds every flaw there is. And as of now I stand without a chance. I have made this opinion into a law, a law which I obide every single minute of every day. There is no questioning or alternative – I have made it a truth that my looks do not measure up.
And how can I not believe it? When I do not even think twice? When my immediate reaction to everything is that I don’t look good enough? It’s a reflex, built into my mind and my body – and now I think I can just short circuit this foundation?
There is no quick and painfree alternative. That I know. But I have also tried many tough and hurtful options and still gotten nowhere. If only I had a clue – because by now I’d walk through fire to get some peace of mind. I want to make peace with my body, and it’s just now that I’ve realized it might not be my body that I need to make peace with – but rather my mind. That little voice in my head saying “You’re not good enough – now run along and look for all that confirms it!” And I do it, everytime. Although I know what the consequence is. I don’t know how to stop. And I am afraid to stop. What if I try out liking the way I look, try thinking that my body does measure up – and then someone shows up and again, confirms the opposite, just like before. Only it is worse because it’s a higher fall.
I have created a comfortable little patchment at the bottom of self confidence. A place where I am careful not to get too high with the risk of falling down again. And that is my comfort. That is why I stay here. I think that although I have never really had all those nasty beliefs confirmed by anyone else but myself I have made myself believe that others have the same expectations of me as the ones I have created for myself. Does this make sense? But truly, it isn’t anyone else and could it be… that not even I have those expectations? I don’t for anyone else – so why for me? Why should I have to be perfect to be good enough when I don’t expect that of anyone else? And when truthfully never have met another who has those expectations of anyone, neither themselves or another. We are only human, can’t I categorize myself into that group? Humanity. And believe that my “flaws” along with the rest of my body and mind really just makes me human? Human and as everyone else – beautiful and good enough just the way I am?
Tough stuff.
Now all I need to do is convince myself that what I have written above is true.
Things are so strange. How my mind and my emotions work in complete opposite directions. Logic and emotion will not compromise, and therefore I am shattered between them. I try to think one thing, but I believe in another. I am sick, deranged, delusional even – but I obey my emotions until they destroy me. This is the path I am on as of today, and I know this must change if I am to live a happy life. I, myself am destroying my own future – I know this, and still I keep on going through with it – not knowing how to stop.
My therapist told me a story about a man who was to travel a far, far distance. He knew he was to begin at a lake so along with him – he had brought a boat. He rowed his boat far, for hours and hours and as he reached the other side he was exhausted – but happy. He rested for a while, but quickly continued on foot – but still carrying the boat with him, weighing over his shoulders.
I suppose, I am the man with the boat. Perhaps I have met some lakes in the past, and have had very good use of my boat – but today it is only a heavy load upon my shoulders. I carry this boat still, out of fear – fear of what might come next, another lake, river or even an ocean – and until then the boat has almost become a natural burden, a burden I have gotten used to. I brought it this far, so why not another 100 miles?
I think, this might be what I am dealing with today, and have been for the past couple of years. I have met some obstacles in my life, and I have built up a defense to these, a defense which has worked in the past – but which today causes me more harm than advantage.
Let’s be more specific. I have given myself an automatic self-defense-response. A defense which used to only come up at the sign of “attack” , but today is there constantly. Haunting me. My self-defense-response used to be any form of self-demeaning or self-degrading words or sentences. I used these, to minimize the pain and effect I otherwise would feel when hearing this, from someone else. Eventually, I would say these things to myself not only at the risk of hearing them from another, but at a single look, a “not look”, or even the uplifting word of another. Today, the words echo in my head and I feel them in my entire being – said again and again, a chanting truth, and a very hurtful one.
How do I let go of this and leave my boat behind?
Along with my other psychological disadvantages; depression curbs me and this limits me in my recovering from all the rest. There are many times I feel like giving up – for this reason alone. I feel hopeless, misunderstood, selfish, alone and mistreated by fate. So, as I am feeling just a little bit brighter today than on a usual day – I am dedicating these hours to research the matter of DEPRESSION and how YOU and I can make little changes in our lives to in turn, achieve (hopefully) a less depressed existence.
SEROTONIN:
One of the most important factors for a person suffering from depression. Studies show that the higher percentage of the affected in fact have a lower amount of serotonin being released in the brain – in turn causing us to feel more depressed. Therefore I have come up with a short list of serotonin boosters (not mentioning SSTRs, as I feel this is something you should discuss with your therapist):
- Sunlight - probably the best source to increase the amount of serotonin in your brain. This could mean an extra half hour taking a walk outside, a vacation once in a while, or investing in a light therapy (investing in a less depressed existence..:) ) This is NOT TO BE CONFUSED with a tanning decive.
- Carbohydrates – now I am the one to squirm. However it is shown that lack of carbs decreases the level of insulin in your body which in turn also decreases the level of serotonin in your body. Therefore, even if you want to stay away from carbs – do not do so completely. Breakfast is a great source for carbs, without making too much damage to a possible diet. However, when choosing carbs – do so carefully, there are healthy carbs and unhealthy carbs. Sugar for instance, will only temporarily elevate your mood, before quickly falling down again. In addition it has no effect on your serotonin levels.
- Dark chocolate – however DOES increase the levels of serotonin in our bodies.
- Omega 3 – another depression fighter is fish, or more precise: omega 3. Keeping fish on the menu (or at least introducing fish to the menu) is a good idea if you want to increase the production of serotonin for yourself.
- Protein – is very important for the production (and release) of serotonin. Basically all meat, chicken, fish, egg and even milk are good options.
- Tryptophan – consuming food that contains tryptophan, especially at night will increase the release of serotonin in your brain and also help in achieving better sleep. Milk, banana, kiwi, walnuts, tomatoes and dark chocolate are examples of food with tryptophan.
Factors that can impair the production of serotonin:
- Caffeine
- Aspartam (artificial sweeteners)
- Cigarettes
- Alcohol
- Diabetes
- Ecstacy and diet pills
- Genetic predisposition
- Hormone imbalances
- Hypoglycemia
- Lack of protein, excersize and/or sunlight
- Digestion problems
- Stress
- Addiction to porn (yes – it’s true)
- Watching too much TV
- Watching too much MTV (yes – also true)
More MOOD ELEVATING tricks to try:
- Excersize - spend at least 30 minutes a day doing a physical activity; it could be taking a walk, going to the gym or just cleaning out the house.
- Laughter - smiles and laughter can actually TRICK the mind into thinking that you are happy; or less depressed if you will.
- Sleep - try to get a good 7-9 hours of sleep each night and try to keep it regular without too many changes from one night to another
- Breathing - obviously I assume we all breathe. But is it good-quality-breathing? Learning the correct breathing techniques can decrease stress and in turn lead to less symptoms of depression.
It’s worth a try :)
Focus. Thing’s ARE NOT black or white, good or bad, beautiful or ugly. In fact… there is always an “in between“. In a good way. It’s about focus – and yes, I’ve heard it before; you’ve probably heard it before too – but maybe in order to believe it, YOU must discover it on your own. Like I did, just yesterday.
No matter how dark things are around a person, there is always, always something light – but many times we don’t see it, because we’re not looking for it – we simply have our focus dead-on the dark. It’s sort of like the “secret” theory. The law of attraction. I don’t know if I would go so far as to say that just believing in something will make it happen – BUT I do believe that if you truly believe in something, you, yourself will make it come true. So in this new theory I have for myself not only does the law of attraction obide, but also the act of self fulfilling prophecy. We become who we want to be, or who we fear to be – it all depends on where our focus lies.
Do you still follow?
Depression is a tough-ass thing. Often, depression works as a dark circle, spiral even – going down, down until you finally find yourself in a deep hole. Depression comes, and we succumb to it. Which is perfectly normal, and perfectly OK – but somewhere you just need to say STOP, put it in reverse and get a grip on it. And the sooner the better. As depressed, we tend to lock ourselves away from other people, say “no” to things we might have said “yes” to in the past. We do not push ourselves and by doing so we lose both our aim and our purpose in life. That is the dark spiral of depression. Once you are there, without a goal and without purpose in life – you might even lose the will to get better. Life, as we know it is no longer what it should be (and what it could be) – but rather that deep hole of nothingness.
It is not an easy path I have put myself on, but I have regained some hope by doing so. I must keep pushing, and always look for that light in the darkness.
Tip:
Try writing things down, or even keeping a video diary not only on the times you feel BAD, but also GOOD. It might be a breakthrough for you as well. That way you will be able to look back at the “good times” and truly see, black on white, or in motion – that things ARE also good, although they may not feel so right now.
